Everything

Author: Ashley

Above is another short poem I wrote while trying to process emotions. I needed to be strong because I didn't want anyone to see I was hurting. I covered my pain with smiles and pushed myself beyond my limits. Limits I ignored. If I stopped, I felt like I wouldn't be able to start again. It was easier to ignore how much I was hurting than to actually face the pain. I told myself that with time, I would be fine. Time did not heal the wounds that were created. Time made it worse, unresolved. The shame, embarrassment, anger, hatred, and never-ending questions of "why me?" made each passing day harder and harder.

I ignored how I was feeling. I didn't allow myself to process this trauma the way I deserved to process it. I should have slowed down. I should have accepted that I wasn't okay, and that it was okay to not be okay. Instead, I chose to go back to school and incur a large student debt, all because I needed the distraction. I needed to apply myself to something that would allow me to stop thinking. It worked, in the moment. I received a DEP as a Nursing Assistant, then didn't get a job in the field.

All of this to say that if you're struggling with your emotions. Do not ignore them. Feel your emotions. The hatred for both the person who did this to you and the hatred of yourself. The shame because it happened to you, and you don't understand why or how. The fear of seeing this person in public again. The darkness that consumes you because your understanding of the world changed in a mere moment. Anger at everything. Sadness because of your new reality. The disgust you have when you look at your body, not being able to wash away the filth you feel from someone touching you without your permission. Allow yourself to fade into nothingness so that you can be reborn. Reborn as a new version of you, a stronger version. You will no longer feel like a victim. Now you are a survivor, and no one will make you feel that way again.

Will this be easy? No.

Can you do this, come out stronger? Yes.