I want to start this blog by making it clear that I am not criticizing anyone or anything. This is an inclusive space for everyone, and I am eager to hear your thoughts. This blog will share my perspective on how someone I thought I knew well unexpectedly expressed their wish to transition to a woman, which also includes embracing polyamory. The blog will delve into how this decision affected both me and our young daughter. I am not here to debate the concept of free will or free choice, but I will discuss how choices can impact those around you.
I've always seen myself as open-minded and have never had any issues with anyone from the LGBTQ community. I have friends and family who are part of this community, and it was a normal part of my upbringing. However, my experience with transgender individuals was limited. I have always been aware of transgender people and have met and worked with them. They were pleasant, and their transgender identity didn't affect how I interacted with them. Nonetheless, I cannot disregard the biological perspective that there are two genders.
I never anticipated being married to someone who identified as transgender. While the way people come out doesn't impact me, the manner in which my ex did profoundly affected both my daughter and me. I can appreciate that those coming out may experience a range of emotions, but that doesn't justify losing one's humanity. The journey I went through with my ex expressing a desire to become a woman was marked by selfishness and a lack of compassion, something I wouldn't wish on anyone.
I've always believed in treating others the way I want to be treated. However, it's clear not everyone follows this principle. When my ex told me he wants to transition to a woman, I was overwhelmed with emotions. Initially, that night, I felt shock and confusion. I stayed positive and attempted to support him, even though I was very confused. How had I never heard anything about this before? We never had a conversation in the past nine years that suggested he might feel this way, so it was a complete surprise to me.
The following day, I found myself in tears. My ex's new direction made me realize how different my marriage would be. I had told him I would stay and help him navigate it. I began searching online for ways to support him and purchased a few items I thought might be helpful. I was confused and in pain, feeling betrayed for not knowing about this after nine years. Additionally, he asked me not to talk to anyone, as he wasn't ready for others to know. I agreed, which left me with no support to grieve the end of my marriage as I knew it. My ex moved around the house without a care, while I was crying and adjusting to the news alone.
During this period, unable to speak with anyone, I turned to the internet in search of support. My ex was receiving help from other transgender individuals in VR Chat, but I had no one. While seeking resources or someone to talk to, I discovered there is no support available for those in a relationship with a trans person. I had no one to validate my feelings. Was I being selfish? Was my reaction normal? Is it okay for me to feel anger, pain, sadness, and betrayal? Where can I find help? Are all the changes in his personality normal? I had countless questions and found no answers. I turned to Reddit to read subthreads, joined groups on Discord, and even became part of a Discord group for transgender people because my ex wasn't answering any of my questions. I was desperate for answers and felt completely lost.
The days were going by, and with each passing day, my confusion grew. Despite my research efforts, I couldn't find answers to my questions. My ex was being secretive, concealing things, and not communicating. When I asked questions, he wouldn't respond. He became increasingly self-centered, prioritizing his time and problems while disregarding mine. Whenever I entered the room, he would minimize the window on his computer, something he had never done before. He stayed up late into the night just to chat with people on VR Chat, leaving him tired and uninterested in household matters. Even though he wasn't working at the time and I was attending university, I ended up handling most of the responsibilities. He valued his freedom over his duties. He was responsible for getting our daughter on and off the school bus because my schedule didn't permit it. He also made dinner, but it was mostly Kraft Dinner and Ramen, as he was never prepared for supper despite knowing I wouldn't be home in time to cook for our daughter. Remember, we were still together at this point, and I was staying to help. He put in minimal effort, and as soon as I returned from university, he would vanish downstairs, leaving our daughter and me without seeing him for the rest of the night.
At this stage, our daughter was oblivious to the situation. She sensed a change in the atmosphere and frequently asked why she hadn't seen her dad. I would just say that he was occupied with work, even though he was actually downstairs doing goodness knows what. In the weeks that followed, his behavior grew strange. I began to question things, and ultimately, after all my probing, he admitted that he wanted to be polyamorous too.
Once again, I was caught off guard. I felt overwhelmed. What more could he possibly want? First, he told me he is transgender, and now he wants to be polyamorous too. What kind of world was I living in? I initially tried to "fix" it. I asked if focusing on us in different ways might help with his desire to be polyamorous. He told me that he needed to be polyamorous and that I would be his main partner, but he intended to start relationships with others. He also mentioned that he already loved someone else more than me. After more tears, we discussed that night or the following day that this arrangement wasn't going to work for me. I told him this isn't the life I want for our daughter, that I don't believe it's healthy for a child to be raised in that situation, and that I would need a divorce.
Once again, he expected me to remain silent about the divorce to prevent his being trans from becoming known. I refused. I explained that this directly affected both my daughter and me, and it was more than just keeping a secret until he was ready to disclose it on his own terms. I then called my mom and shared everything I had been dealing with alone for about a month. She could barely understand me through my tears. Speaking about it for the first time brought a whole new wave of emotions. It was the first time I said everything out loud. It was the first time I felt I could seek support.
This marks the start of my true journey into understanding the "T" in LGBTQ. I now need to figure out how to tell my daughter that her mom and dad are getting divorced. I must find a way to explain to her, in terms a 4-year-old can understand, that her father wishes to become a woman and will soon appear and act differently than she's used to. I need to begin preparing for selling the house, relocating, finding a job, leaving university, and everything else that has suddenly changed. All while trying to comprehend what it means to be transgender. Despite research and conversations, I still don't fully understand it. I've tried to grasp why someone would feel they should be a different gender, one they've never experienced because they aren't that gender. Yet, I still don't understand it. Our daughter started asking questions such as what it means to be transgender, and I always told her she would need to ask her dad, as I didn't know the answers. Whenever she asked her dad, he would say he didn't want to talk about it or that he would explain when she was older. This sparked her desire to be older, along with her confusion about gender. Our daughter lost the man she knew as her dad because he wanted to become someone else. She lost the only home she remembered, her friends, her school, and everything familiar, all due to one person's decision. His choices led her to experience all this confusion and heartache, something no child, especially a 4-year-old, should ever have to endure.
Once again, my issue lies with how he chose to handle this situation. Identifying as transgender is fine. Do I fully understand it? No. Does it impact my daily life? Also no. However, if you suspect you might be transgender, you should not conceal this from the person with whom you've built your life. Don’t start a family and marry in the traditional sense if you have desires to be polyamorous. This isn't something to hide from someone you love and trust. Concealing this will cause irreparable harm, especially to the children. In part 4, I will discuss how I am healing myself while also helping my daughter heal, and delve into how this has affected her.
I am still trying to understand the "T," and I feel like I may never fully grasp it. What I have learned from all of this is that there is very little support for those connected to someone who identifies as transgender, especially when they were unaware of it. I found myself with nowhere to turn. Most resources were focused on supporting and empowering transgender individuals, but I couldn't find anything to validate my feelings or help me navigate the upheaval in my life. Facing all these changes alone, with no support, is incredibly difficult. I was already struggling to maintain a sense of normalcy for our daughter while being unable to find answers or support elsewhere.
Having moved past the initial shock and confusion, I've discovered strength in beginning anew with my daughter, on terms I respect. I'm no longer following someone else's ideas just to avoid change. The journey hasn't been easy, and my path toward healing for both myself and my daughter is only starting. However, I am confident that happiness awaits us, as we are now living our own version of happiness, not someone else's.
Thank you for getting this far in my blog! If I've offended someone, it is not my goal; however, this is my truth. Share your stories as well, so we can heal through connection.