Facing The Unforseen: Part 4 - Healing Yourself While Healing Your Children

The life I had built and was proud of had been turned upside down. I chose to repress as many feelings as possible because my then 4 year old daughter needed me more. Yes, I still cried at night and yes I was still distracted in my day to day life. However, when my daugher was around, I tried to focus on her and her million questions. I could see the pain in her eyes, the innocence she had was fading. She was becoming a shell of herself before my eyes and I didn't know what to do or how to help. I was in a panic wanting to bring back the little girl she previously was before everything had drastically changed.

Throughout my journey to support my daughter, I consulted with a social worker, two therapists, a doctor, her teacher, and anyone who could offer guidance or support as I struggled to remain strong for her. I even asked my colleagues for resources as I work at a school and we have a mental health team for the students. Prior to my divorce, I focused on being the strength I believed my husband needed, and after the divorce, my focus shifted to my daughter. I never took the time to find my own strength, and I now realize I didn't and still do not know how.

Two years later, she remains different from the little girl she once was. My daughter transformed from a joyful child into one with explosive emotions. Her overeating has continued to get worse. Even the slightest change in her routine triggers her. She completely lacks confidence and experiences separation anxiety. She bites her nails, the skin around them, and moves to her toes once her fingers are bare. She struggles with sleep and constantly needs to know my whereabouts to reduce her anxiety. She has told me that she is afraid I will dissapear. Privacy is nonexistent. I can't recall the last time I used the bathroom without my daughter and the cat being there with me. Following my divorce, she began having pee accidents, which lasted about a year. She still hits or bites herself when she gets angry. Previously she was creative and enjoyed the outdoors, now she struggles to focus on her crafts and shows no interest in going outside. I've been told she might have ADHD, or it could be trauma, as the symptoms overlap. However, since she is only six, it's challenging to determine right now, and evaluations are suggested for when she's older.

The changes in my daughter have caused me significant concern. Her wellbeing became my main priority, leading me to neglect myself even more than before. I've never prioritized myself, always finding fulfillment in dedicating my time and energy to others. I became an expert at self-neglect without even realizing it. If I saw something I liked, I wouldn't purchase it, considering it a waste of money. However, if I found something that someone I cared about would enjoy, I would buy it regardless of the cost. I diminished myself without noticing, and I'm still learning how to change this behavior.

After numerous aspects of my daughter's life changed, I struggled to help her. I never knew what might bring her joy or cause a meltdown. I concentrated on interpreting her body language to gauge her emotional state at any given time. Basically walking on egg shells. I would say something I thought was humorous, only for her to cry for half an hour. If I moved something without her knowing, it would cause her to be upset. She needed specific stuffed animals and now needed a night light that she didn't previously need. Some days were good, some were bad, and some were more than I could manage.

I consulted a therapist through the CLSC to help myself. Yes, I logically knew that I had to help myself to help my daughter, but how? I was drowning without a life jacket. So many things I needed to do, and no ability to do so at that time. I could't seperate what was urgent from what could be done at a later time. I couldn't create boundaries anywhere and I was a shadow drifting through the days. I was constantly told that I needed to practice self care, but, what is self care? How do I do that? I can't turn off my brain long enough to not feel guilty if I sit down and there are things to do. My days were consumed with survival and my daughter's well being. Self care was and still is a mystery to me. Through all of this, I knew I needed to improve my own emotional state to be able to help my daughter with hers. Therapy did help me. It allowed me to move on from the anger I was holding on to, and allowed me to improve my co-parenting. I was no longer reactive when speaking with her father. I was capable of seeing the best for my daughter versus allowing my feelings to take over the conversation. Which, helped a lot.

Meanwhile; everyone around me was attempting to help, but at times it wasn't helpful. Some suggested I should concentrate on my daughter's eating habits, as they would significantly affect her. Others advised creating distance between us to help her overcome separation anxiety. Some people warned me that she was being manipulative and that I needed to "be careful." Others reassured me that she would be fine, saying it was just a minor setback and that children are resilient. I was told that I wasn't being strict enough and other times too strict. Everywhere I looked, someone had an opinion, which only contributed to the chaos already in my mind.

Trying to balance a healthy environement for my daughter while helping her heal while I heal just felt impossible. Knowing and doing are not the same thing. I became so overwhelmed I couldn't function. Even now, despite that I am in a better place than I was, I still see a change in myself that I don't like. My memory seems to be on a permanent vacation. I used to be able to recall things quickly and easily, and now im constantly forgetting. My brain is going faster than I can speak and I'm constantly saying the wrong word. I feel exhausted no matter how much sleep I get. Going to work is actually a break for me. Once I'm home, it feels like a never ending list of things to do. I get paralyzed with the amount of things to do that I have a problem just starting. The smallest addition to the load I carry can make me crumble regardless of the task. The length of the task or the difficulty of the task is not taken into consideration. It's one more thing added to the list and that alone is too much.

Every day is different. Some days I am exsisting, and that is enough. Some days I have energy to bake and cook meals my daughter loves. Other days I'm very attentive then the next day I'm not. Not one day looks like the other. I'm still healing, this isnt going to be over in a day. My daughter is still healing as well. Overall, both my daughter and I have had ups and downs. We both struggle sometimes, and that's okay. As long as we don't accept that we will forever struggle, then we are ahead. Some days might feel like we have gone backwards, but we both get back up and move forward again. It's a tiring dance, but one that is worth the exhaustion.

My daughter has made some improvements as well. It's not all just struggles. Yes, she still needs a lot of regulation from me, but she is starting to gain her confidence. She is exceling in school and has made some friends she is constantly talking about, and can't wait to go to school to see. She is slowly finding her creativity again with drawing and lego. If she is in an environment that she feels completely safe in, she is slowly getting more comfortable with me not being in the same room. So far that only happens are her grandparents and my best friend's place, but it is a start and something that we can improve on. She can now go from the car and into her school alone after two months of gradually working on her confidence that she didn't need me to bring her inside or to the door.

Even though this whole experience was incredibly difficult for both of us and so much changed unexpectedly, we will be alright. We still have a lot of healing ahead of us. Nonetheless, I recognize the importance of working on myself to support my daughter. When I was consumed by grief over all I had lost, I couldn't be present and support my daughter in the way she truly needed. The more I healed, the more I could help her heal. Was it easy? Absolutely not. Would I change anything? Yes. I would have gotten help for me sooner if I had fully realized the importance of healing myself to heal my daughter.

If you find yourself identifying with any part of this story, remember that it's normal to experience bad days and feel overwhelmed. Keep in mind that each day is a fresh start, and not all days will be identical. There will be times when you feel completely drained, yet you'll discover a reserve within you to support your child(ren). Initially, it’s fine to prioritize your child(ren), but eventually, you'll need to prioritize yourself to be the best for them. The journey to complete healing is lengthy, but you are not on this path alone. If you need support along the way, you can reach for my hand.